Stuff Assholes Like

Need a Friend?

It is a puzzling fact that when selecting friends the asshole betrays a clear statistical tendency toward other assholes. Jerks like to hang out with other jerks, and the same goes double for dickwads. This sociological reality is puzzling because one might assume that a true asshole, in love with his own force field, would want to be the only prickwit in the room. One also might assume that, being people, they wouldn’t enjoy being around jerks any more than anybody else.

One would be wrong. Whether orbiting the beer bong at a Theta Chi reunion or lining up for a bake off to become a strategic consultant to K Mart, assholes just feel more comfortable around people like themselves. You’ll see them in airports, barging into clubs they don’t belong to, sitting on benches in Madison Square Park shouting juvenile comments at the tourist ladies tunneling past and throwing high-fives at their asshole buddies, only to deliberately miss the clap. Cue howling.

There are a number of reasons for this social filtration system. Three, in fact:

#1 – As Aristotle once said, like attracts like – Humans seem to be hardwired to prefer people who are kind of like themselves. It’s true for Mormons, debutantes, bad comedians, vegans and jerks. We feel less judged when we’re in a room full of ourself.

#2 – Assholes don’t get offended – Their intuitive social radar (sometimes called EQ) is so sub-threshold, they’re the ideal companion for anyone who offends, repels and otherwise alienates the civilian population. Jerks gravitate toward one another because nobody else will. And whereas someone else might call you an “asshole,” the asshole will just call you “normal.” If she calls you at all.

#3 – They don’t have friends - Who are we kidding? Calling the people who are geographically adjacent to the dickhead “friends” is like calling Josh Groban a star just because he’s been on television. Oh, wait, he is star. Anyway, it’s wrong.