Stuff Assholes Like

Information is power, and assholes certainly like power. Particularly if it’s easy to remember. That’s why their favorite news source for the past five years has been The Drudge Report. The beauty of this long-running link farm is that it gives the illusion of concentrated knowledge while consisting entirely of half-sentence slants on stories assholes wouldn’t read anyway. It can be entirely digested in two sips of joe, which helps explain how it’s had 19 million visits in the past 24 hours.

Matt Drudge himself is not an asshole superhero. He’s too much like the guys they tweaked back in high school. But pricks relate to Drudge’s (or his interns’) point of view, which is something like a cross between rage against the machine and rage against Martin Sheen. Key word: rage.

For instance, today’s Drudge Report kicks off with an attack on every asshole’s least favorite presumptive presidential candidate (hint: he’s not 72). It moves on to snippets about sex abuse and murder via Google, pauses for a prayer to offshore oil drilling, side-swipes gays and Al Gore, and ends with an encouraging item saying the economy really isn’t all that bad after all. Sip.

Bite-sized is asshole-sized. They also like to be told what to think. Even if it is by a former 7-11 counterboy and convicted phone-harasser. In Drudge’s favor are that he started his career by accusing a Democrat of spousal abuse and has moved on to make a handsome living beating up on Baldwins.

Asshole (Internal Monologue): “There’s a sound a-coming down the hall, and it’s the sound of what matters. Listen. There it is . . . it’s getting closer . . . Drudge Drudge Drudge Drudge DRUDGE DRUDGE DRUDGE wonderful DRUDGE fabulous DRUDGE cellular DRUDGE patroling the WORLD!”